I will try...

I caught myself falling apart tonight. The thought of having to go through life alone scares the hell out of me. To some it might be a shallow thing to spend tears for, but for some reason, it wells me up every time I get the chance to sit and think about how sad and lonely I am in my own room, spending the countless minutes alone. As the deafening wails of loneliness rings endlessly inside my head, I could do nothing but curl into my shell of self-protection.

I need a tremendous amount of fixing. I would fix myself if only I knew how. Where are the lights to guide me home? This feeling of unceasing wandering, falling and feeling lost kills. Have I been dragging myself away from you? Stuck in reverse, I do not know how to move on...

I guess if tears became the valued currency in my world, I'd be saving up quite a large sum. But in a world like this, I'd rather be poor.

As the tears continue streaming down on my face, I wonder...

Perhaps it's really true that through the depths of darkness, you'd have nothing to hold on to, but that tiniest bit of hope, that slightest glimmer of light that you wish you could see and follow. You won't be able to see it with your washed teary eyes, so best wipe it off and be ready to catch that instantaneous spark. Only then will you be able to move out of the pits. Just know that through it all, you have never been alone.

XOXO,
CK

... to fix you.

The Beleaguered Champion

What would YOU do? It’s tiring as it can be. What with all the stressors lurking everywhere ready to pounce anytime. You can never really be too careful these days. Anyone, if not everyone, could be it. We can never really know. How much would it take for me to see what lies ahead so that I won’t have to worry about tomorrow? I know it’s futile to be anxious about what will be rather than expending more time and effort resolving what is. I guess there lies the problem, instead of enjoying what is, I spend more time worrying and looking for ways to alleviate pain of yesterday that’s causing more problems today, growing more painful as tomorrow comes.

- CK
Image taken from this link.
The Beleaguered Champion seeks to find a place to rest. Under the tree of answers, he wishes to lie underneath its shade. But in the scorching heat of the vast desert that he has traveled, in the viciousness of the jungle he’s been through, in the depths of the dark abyss, nothing but a void and empty space lies before him. What’s even more disturbing is despite its barrenness, there is and there will always be something that will push him to the edge.

The Beleaguered Champion started by spending a tremendous amount of time training for what may lie ahead in his life’s adventure. Giving everything he has to offer, this hero wanted to be at his best when he faces the demons and monsters on his way. Nothing could possibly stop him and nothing will.

The Beleaguered Champion went into the immense ocean of oceans. There he met other champions just as he; eager and determined to topple every barrier that may come there way. However, in spite of the immensity of this area, there were only a few possible paths to take. And only a few would be able to go through it. Before this Champion knew it, he was fighting for his slim chance and his inalienable right to passage, against the others that came before and even after him. This isn’t a very pleasant sight. The steady flow of knights treading the waters was now drenched in thick blood, drowning in their own despair.

Despite the horror, the Beleaguered Champion went on his way; weary from that great feat. He knew too well, that it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew that in every other field, battles have to be fought, won, and forgotten. Loss; he knew no such thing. In every step he makes, victory was his vision, hope was his sword, and faith was his shield. Coated in an armor of well-forged skill, no one can bring him down.

The Beleaguered Champion went on this excruciating journey, seeking the most appropriate spot to take the most amount of rest from time to time. But somewhere along his way, dust of confusion was lurking and growing, causing this hero to lose sight of his vision. Trying to regain control over everything before him, he insistently shook them off his feet, along with them everything he used to cherish. This foul mistake cost him a lot, and now his debts are due. Our Champion is now at a loss.

But this would not stop the Beleaguered Champion from moving on. Dragging his every step, he tried to get as far as possible and settle at a new site, either regaining old visions or forming new ones. Our Beleaguered Champion had to start again.

To be continued…

XOXO,
CK

On Becoming a Star

Clearly this tells you something about me already. Ok, so I do want to be a star but I know it ain't that easy. I decided that to be one I really have to invest. So I searched the internet for tips and tricks on how to and I came upon something really and astonishingly simple (and impeccably cheap).

All I have to do is find a star somewhere in our galaxy and name it after me! Voila!

Ok fine, the International Astronomical Union may probably not be behind me on this, and the public will most probably just give me a cold shrug or none at all, but still it sure will give me something to feel happy about, and force myself to believe I am up in the heavens. After all, I do have a heavenly body! Hashtag booyah!

So if you are thinking of something to give me for Christmas, this one's a sure fire deal! It's cheap, easy to fabricate, and yet still sweet. All you need to do is print out a hopefully close to the authentic Star Chart and an almost genuine Certificate saying this particular star is the "Rising Dick" or "Golden Dick" or "Dick Shining". Ultimately, you have the freedom to name after me in any way, shape or form. Heck, you could also get me a constellation like the "Dick's Shield". Just look for a couple of stars that would resemble something like a condom. Haha, ok, that went overboard.

On a totally unrelated note, here's a picture of me half-naked and pointing at my piercing (which when you squint your eyes a little, it would like like a tiny star on my left ear).


Yes mommy, if you're reading this, I did get a piercing without your permission and I'm terribly sorry for not telling you. But if you're not reading this, it's also good that you don't know.

Hey, please don't tell my mom about this though, Ok? Thanks!

Going back, and just to waste a few more minutes of your time, think of naming a star or a constellation (or better yet a whole new galaxy) after me. That would really make me smile. :)

XOXO,
CK

Race to 12 by 2012 (My Year-Ender Challenge)

It's not a matter of life and death. But remember, life is short enough already. And you have all the time in the world to be dead anyway. So might as well make the most out of what you have left. Hence, I decided to make my year-ender challenge, a list of tasks I need to complete before 2012 begins.

Race to 12 by 2012
  1. H.T.G. = Hit the gym
  2. J.A.F.A.R. = Join and finish a run (3K or 5K)
  3. M.A.C.A/C. = Make a Christmas Album/Collection (5 Songs)
  4. B.R.F.A.A.A.W. = Be recognized for an achievement at work (a little vague but fine, pagbigyan)
  5. T.V.T. = Take vocal trainings
  6. T. = Travel (via airplane not to Cebu/Leyte)
  7. M.12.N.F. = Meet 12 NEW friends.
  8. T.O.A.W.S. = Try out a water sport (not swimming/diving)
  9. E/D.1.E.F/D. = Eat/Drink 1 exotic food/drink
  10. B.A.O.C. = Bake an oatmeal cookie
  11. F.A.K. = Fly a kite
  12. L.A.B.L.I.R. = ?

Again, you can't turn back the hands of time. And you just lost 3 minutes reading this crap. Haha!

XOXO,
CK

GIYERA sa LIBYA, TSUNAMI sa JAPAN, LINDOL sa HAITI, SINKHOLE sa CHINA at unti-unting PAGLUBOG ng ANTARTICA. Ilan lng yan sa dahilan ng pagkamatay ng libu-libong tao dito sa mundo at kumalat na ang balita tungkol sa nalalapit na paggunaw ng mundo. Subalit mayroon pa tayong pagasa! At yun ay walang iba kundi hanapin ang mga nawawalang... PITONG DRAGON BALLS!! Ipasa ito sa 7 kaibigan upang mailigtas ang sanlibutan. Wag kang tumawa, ang kapitbahay namin Saiyan na!

XOXO,
CK

P.S.
Ito ay isang nakaw lamang na post mula sa kaibigan kong si Randy B.
(Huwag niyo po akong ikulong!)

Buhos ng ulan ang siyang gumising sa aking pagkakahimbing. Luha mula langit ang siyang bumabalot sa buhay kong makulimlim. Nawa'y sa dulo ng lahat ng ito'y isang bahag-hari ang sasapit, pagkat isang mundong makulay ang siyang nais kong makamit.

XOXO,
CK

Falling Slowly (Cover)

After a month of no uploads I finally was able to record and make a new cover song! And guess what, it's a collaboration with a friend who's really really awesome! Her name is Liz, she sings really great so I invited her to sing with me on this new cover. Just in time for my birthday this June 25! It's a different video style this time. It's just basically us, doing a simple cover at my friends living room. No major edits in the audio and video.

Hope you enjoy!

Again, my thanks to Rose, Mark and Liz for helping with video and cover. :)

P.S.

I did get a haircut already, and I even got a piercing to boot! Awesome! More upload hopefully to come... very soon!


XOXO,
CK

On Rejection (Kakorrhaphiophobia)

There is this popular belief that rejection is an all too common circumstance that everyone faces. Well, perhaps not in my case -- rejection is something I have to avoid. Ever since I was a kid, I had to prove to everybody that I was worth something. I was brought up to a life that had to have some awe-inspiring achievements to be cherished. I had to excel… I had to be somebody… I had to be accepted.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Aiming for the best… putting everything you’ve got in every endeavor… pushing yourself to your very limits just to get there or at least have a feel of what “there” might be. I’m not blaming anybody or ranting about being tired and all… In fact I am quite happy with it. Having the discipline to reach for what might seem unreachable is not a very common trait that every person possess. I do not quit when faced with challenges, I find a way to overcome the immeasurable gap between me and my dreams. I seldom compromise, but I never let every unsuccessful attempts put me down. Well, maybe they allow me to rethink my position and reweigh the costs, but at the end of the day, I simply aim for victory.

Unknown to most people, one of the most negative traits I have is the fear of rejection. It’s like a major downer for me (among others). This does not necessarily mean that I am a spoiled brat always getting my way in everything. This just simply tells that as much as possible, all things I do must be acceptable or that the majority should approve of it. Perhaps the only exceptions to this are my questioned principles and beliefs. Questioned, not questionable! Yeah, I have a very high regard for what I believe in. I stick to what my convictions are, although I am open to possibilities. Also, I always say that I really don’t care what other people say, which mostly likely is always the case. However, being an outcast dreads me… or worse, being a reject.

I'm not really sure if there is a scientific term for this fear. The closest I could find is Kakorrhaphiophobia - fear of failure or defeat. It's highly debatable, I know. But debate all you want, I could care less.

What with all I've been through, I'd say this is the least of my worries. I had to come up with measures to counter this fear. Unconsciously, I guess I have been doing it. Perhaps, it took me only now to realize that what I have been doing does not in any way alleviate the situation; rather, it just delays the effects. What I have been doing is: “I can’t face them now; maybe I’ll just have to face them later or even better, I might just have to forget about them.” <-- How naive could I get?!

Where does this lead to anyway? Avoiding the feeling of rejection is a very cowardly character. It’s like contradicting what being the Immortal-Skirmisher is all about. I just have to say in my defense that it does feel better not being rejected or at least think that everybody accepts me. But I have to wake up, someday – to face reality. I am not really sure if I fully understand this reality, but I am trying my best. But honestly, as long as I can hold on to this, I wouldn’t have to face this fear (right now) for now… If I don’t have to, I won’t… But when the time comes, which I know will, then I’d just have to be prepared.

XOXO,
CK

P.S.
Here's something worth sharing from the net (http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/fear-of-rejection.html).

Fear of rejection is an outcome of low self-esteem. If you have this fear, you are sure to feel alienated and lonely. Your fear makes you feel that everyone in this world is superior to you and they can reject and avoid you for some reason or the other.

As a child this fear may have developed within you when your parents constantly compared you with others with the intention that this might drive you to do best in life.

How hard you worked couldn't satisfy others and thus you developed the feeling that you can never be better than this. Surely, this is really pathetic but fortunately curable.

The things you feel when you suffer from fear of rejection
  • You have the feeling that you can never do or say something confidently
  • When you have this fear, you can't say no to anything because you feel that a bit of negative on your part can make others reject and neglect you. Thus, you keep on saying yes to everything without judging the limit of your potential
  • You consider yourself good or bad according to what people say about you. You fail to form an opinion of yourself
  • You tend to lose your identity for you prefer to act, talk, dress and imitate those whom you admire in life
Do not ever be afraid of rejection in life. If someone rejects you, take that as a challenge to prove yourself. Don't let other people dictate your identity.

In fact, fear of rejection is an inherent irrational belief that nobody will accept you for who you are, what you believe and how you act.

Victims of this particular fear depend on the approval, recognition or affirmation of others in order to have a better idea about them.

Solitude

Dug up from my past archives.
Written September 2006.
Just thought it's kinda appropriate, especially right now.

It has almost been three hours already. I am still right here, sitting in front of my computer, waiting. I never thought I could have this feeling; feeling eager to greet midnight with my widest smile. Its three hours past midnight and my smile has been turned into a frown. I hope that I could control myself from letting my watery eyes drop even just a single tear. I don’t know, but any time soon, these tears will just have to flow. Like a river that keeps on moving, endlessly they keep on streaming.

Should I prevent myself from pouring down all these tears? How can I? If I would, I should have done that a million times before. I just couldn’t do it. How can I prevent myself from feeling sad? Should I even dare?

Solitude is such a bitter end. I would want to laugh but I could not even afford to smile. When I am alone, thoughts keep on coming and going. I could not comprehend the immensity of such ideas. Thought after thought, ideas after ideas. They just won’t stop.

All of these simply contribute to the stressful feeling I am already in. This heavy burden thrust upon my chest just keep on getting heavier and heavier. If only weight is the only thing added to it. Every single moment of despair this burden grows spikes and each spike point directly to my heart. Every moment I spend being alone, is a moment of suffering and fierce punishment.

I have been a sinner. Perhaps this is the reason why this tribulation is forced upon me. Perhaps I deserve this scornful ordeal. Every second that ticks, a whip is brutally thrashed upon me. Every minute that passes, a ton of gigantic stones are violently thrown at me. Every hour that slips swiftly away, a sharp sword is severely pierced through my heart, my heart that cries in tears, wailing and moaning in anguish.

Lead me, take me, save me from this tormenting disaster that has come unexpectedly. Only you can bring me to safety. In your loving embrace I find security. In your soft caresses I find care. In your warm touch I find protection. In your soothing voice I find peace. In your tender kiss I find love.

In you alone, I find these things and only then do I feel safe, far from the evil clutches of danger, lurking maliciously; waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and attack me once more. Hide me from him that clouds me with this sorrowful atmosphere. Coat me with your everlasting fortification. You alone are my strength.

In darkness, I seek you who hold the key to light. It is through these gloomy hours that I need your shining glory. Hold me in your arms. Secure me with your tenderness. I carried all weight, endured all pain, and surrendered myself to you...

But now I cry to you, “I can't take your infidelity anymore.”

XOXO,
CK

The Immortal-Skirmisher

…Never quits…

A very noble thought… The heroism within him stems not from his brawns rather, it elegantly emanates from his will to achieve. The Immortal-Skirmisher is not the most daring of knights but is neither he a coward. His bravery is founded on wisdom and strengthened by faith. A noble warrior of truth yet deals with an internal battle to find truth within himself as well. Fighting for what he believes is right and rational and guided by his unclouded principle, he never stands back. He is always determined; knows what he wants. Thus something denied of attention [by the Immortal-Skirmisher] does not necessarily mean it having no great significance to him. For the Immortal-Skirmisher things do matter, it’s just a question of how to much it does.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is brave but not foolish. For the brave does not strike aimlessly head on nor does the wise act without reason. Everything has been decided and calculated beforehand. Every endeavor has been carefully planned. The only curious thing is the fact that the Immortal-Skirmisher is bold to some extent. Not the risky gambler but the playful son of fate. He does not test fate rather he plays with his options, making sure that every choice is the best such that anything that could happen will not in any way harm him and others around him. Every decision has been carefully weighed in such a way that all possibilities have been checked and balanced. External consequences would then be a matter of chance.

Thus for someone who sees everything as a battle, an unending struggle, the Immortal-Skirmisher exhausts everything he has to fulfill his dreams. However, despite the name, he is not eternal. The Immortal-Skirmisher also needs a rest. Occasional breaks are necessary to cure and heal wounds, treat injuries and recover from intense feats.

The Immortal-Skirmisher rests, but he does not quit. He knows nothing but victory. This might be the best attribute the Immortal-Skirmisher possesses — the ability to seek triumph at the pit of a fall. Starting a new climb to reach the heavens, he would learn from every unseemly turn. A fall is a fall, nothing more. It does not equate to defeat, nor does it define weakness. In the end, the Immortal-Skirmisher is nothing more than an optimistic warrior, carrying on his journey to ultimate success.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is the honorable fighter, seeking success but hopelessly avoiding adversaries. But this is reality, he meets allies, he meets foes. This has always been how it went and how it will always go. The Immortal-Skirmisher has been dealing with this reality for the longest time. It is impossible not to find a worthy opponent. There will always be a rival.

The Immortal-Skirmisher’s whole existence is a lifelong war. Every battle is a step towards the goal. Every win is a fleeting sensation that should never be dwelt in. Every fall is a lesson to be learned and forever kept for utmost growth and enhanced development.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is me…

Music Portfolio

My name is CK and this is my personal blog. Feel free to browse through my entries here. ;)

I'm a techie singing music and theater artist, frustrated dancer, and rising star. I'm a systems analyst/engineer at work tinkering with SAP ABAPs and Modules. At home I record song covers inside my room with a desktop microphone (cheap!) and a laptop, with the help of some editing tool. (Although now I'm seeking help from friends with recording, sound and video editing, and production) AWESOME!

Links to my Facebook, Twitter and YouTube Accounts are on the side bar to your right. Do like, follow, rate, comment, and subscribe!
This is my portfolio so far:

You First Believed - Hoku

XOXO,
CK

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