Falling Slowly (Cover)

After a month of no uploads I finally was able to record and make a new cover song! And guess what, it's a collaboration with a friend who's really really awesome! Her name is Liz, she sings really great so I invited her to sing with me on this new cover. Just in time for my birthday this June 25! It's a different video style this time. It's just basically us, doing a simple cover at my friends living room. No major edits in the audio and video.

Hope you enjoy!

Again, my thanks to Rose, Mark and Liz for helping with video and cover. :)

P.S.

I did get a haircut already, and I even got a piercing to boot! Awesome! More upload hopefully to come... very soon!

XOXO,
CK

On Rejection (Kakorrhaphiophobia)

There is this popular belief that rejection is an all too common circumstance that everyone faces. Well, perhaps not in my case -- rejection is something I have to avoid. Ever since I was a kid, I had to prove to everybody that I was worth something. I was brought up to a life that had to have some awe-inspiring achievements to be cherished. I had to excel… I had to be somebody… I had to be accepted.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Aiming for the best… putting everything you’ve got in every endeavor… pushing yourself to your very limits just to get there or at least have a feel of what “there” might be. I’m not blaming anybody or ranting about being tired and all… In fact I am quite happy with it. Having the discipline to reach for what might seem unreachable is not a very common trait that every person possess. I do not quit when faced with challenges, I find a way to overcome the immeasurable gap between me and my dreams. I seldom compromise, but I never let every unsuccessful attempts put me down. Well, maybe they allow me to rethink my position and reweigh the costs, but at the end of the day, I simply aim for victory.

Unknown to most people, one of the most negative traits I have is the fear of rejection. It’s like a major downer for me (among others). This does not necessarily mean that I am a spoiled brat always getting my way in everything. This just simply tells that as much as possible, all things I do must be acceptable or that the majority should approve of it. Perhaps the only exceptions to this are my questioned principles and beliefs. Questioned, not questionable! Yeah, I have a very high regard for what I believe in. I stick to what my convictions are, although I am open to possibilities. Also, I always say that I really don’t care what other people say, which mostly likely is always the case. However, being an outcast dreads me… or worse, being a reject.

I'm not really sure if there is a scientific term for this fear. The closest I could find is Kakorrhaphiophobia - fear of failure or defeat. It's highly debatable, I know. But debate all you want, I could care less.

What with all I've been through, I'd say this is the least of my worries. I had to come up with measures to counter this fear. Unconsciously, I guess I have been doing it. Perhaps, it took me only now to realize that what I have been doing does not in any way alleviate the situation; rather, it just delays the effects. What I have been doing is: “I can’t face them now; maybe I’ll just have to face them later or even better, I might just have to forget about them.” <-- How naive could I get?!

Where does this lead to anyway? Avoiding the feeling of rejection is a very cowardly character. It’s like contradicting what being the Immortal-Skirmisher is all about. I just have to say in my defense that it does feel better not being rejected or at least think that everybody accepts me. But I have to wake up, someday – to face reality. I am not really sure if I fully understand this reality, but I am trying my best. But honestly, as long as I can hold on to this, I wouldn’t have to face this fear (right now) for now… If I don’t have to, I won’t… But when the time comes, which I know will, then I’d just have to be prepared.

XOXO,
CK

P.S.
Here's something worth sharing from the net (http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/fear-of-rejection.html).

Fear of rejection is an outcome of low self-esteem. If you have this fear, you are sure to feel alienated and lonely. Your fear makes you feel that everyone in this world is superior to you and they can reject and avoid you for some reason or the other.

As a child this fear may have developed within you when your parents constantly compared you with others with the intention that this might drive you to do best in life.

How hard you worked couldn't satisfy others and thus you developed the feeling that you can never be better than this. Surely, this is really pathetic but fortunately curable.

The things you feel when you suffer from fear of rejection

• You have the feeling that you can never do or say something confidently
• When you have this fear, you can't say no to anything because you feel that a bit of negative on your part can make others reject and neglect you. Thus, you keep on saying yes to everything without judging the limit of your potential
• You consider yourself good or bad according to what people say about you. You fail to form an opinion of yourself
• You tend to lose your identity for you prefer to act, talk, dress and imitate those whom you admire in life

Do not ever be afraid of rejection in life. If someone rejects you, take that as a challenge to prove yourself. Don't let other people dictate your identity.

In fact, fear of rejection is an inherent irrational belief that nobody will accept you for who you are, what you believe and how you act.

Victims of this particular fear depend on the approval, recognition or affirmation of others in order to have a better idea about them.

Solitude

Dug up from my past archives.
Written September 2006.
Just thought it's kinda appropriate, especially right now.

It has almost been three hours already. I am still right here, sitting in front of my computer, waiting. I never thought I could have this feeling; feeling eager to greet midnight with my widest smile. Its three hours past midnight and my smile has been turned into a frown. I hope that I could control myself from letting my watery eyes drop even just a single tear. I don’t know, but any time soon, these tears will just have to flow. Like a river that keeps on moving, endlessly they keep on streaming.

Should I prevent myself from pouring down all these tears? How can I? If I would, I should have done that a million times before. I just couldn’t do it. How can I prevent myself from feeling sad? Should I even dare?

Solitude is such a bitter end. I would want to laugh but I could not even afford to smile. When I am alone, thoughts keep on coming and going. I could not comprehend the immensity of such ideas. Thought after thought, ideas after ideas. They just won’t stop.

All of these simply contribute to the stressful feeling I am already in. This heavy burden thrust upon my chest just keep on getting heavier and heavier. If only weight is the only thing added to it. Every single moment of despair this burden grows spikes and each spike point directly to my heart. Every moment I spend being alone, is a moment of suffering and fierce punishment.

I have been a sinner. Perhaps this is the reason why this tribulation is forced upon me. Perhaps I deserve this scornful ordeal. Every second that ticks, a whip is brutally thrashed upon me. Every minute that passes, a ton of gigantic stones are violently thrown at me. Every hour that slips swiftly away, a sharp sword is severely pierced through my heart, my heart that cries in tears, wailing and moaning in anguish.

Lead me, take me, save me from this tormenting disaster that has come unexpectedly. Only you can bring me to safety. In your loving embrace I find security. In your soft caresses I find care. In your warm touch I find protection. In your soothing voice I find peace. In your tender kiss I find love.

In you alone, I find these things and only then do I feel safe, far from the evil clutches of danger, lurking maliciously; waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and attack me once more. Hide me from him that clouds me with this sorrowful atmosphere. Coat me with your everlasting fortification. You alone are my strength.

In darkness, I seek you who hold the key to light. It is through these gloomy hours that I need your shining glory. Hold me in your arms. Secure me with your tenderness. I carried all weight, endured all pain, and surrendered myself to you...

But now I cry to you, “I can't take your infidelity anymore.”

XOXO,
CK

The Immortal-Skirmisher

…Never quits…

A very noble thought… The heroism within him stems not from his brawns rather, it elegantly emanates from his will to achieve. The Immortal-Skirmisher is not the most daring of knights but is neither he a coward. His bravery is founded on wisdom and strengthened by faith. A noble warrior of truth yet deals with an internal battle to find truth within himself as well. Fighting for what he believes is right and rational and guided by his unclouded principle, he never stands back. He is always determined; knows what he wants. Thus something denied of attention [by the Immortal-Skirmisher] does not necessarily mean it having no great significance to him. For the Immortal-Skirmisher things do matter, it’s just a question of how to much it does.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is brave but not foolish. For the brave does not strike aimlessly head on nor does the wise act without reason. Everything has been decided and calculated beforehand. Every endeavor has been carefully planned. The only curious thing is the fact that the Immortal-Skirmisher is bold to some extent. Not the risky gambler but the playful son of fate. He does not test fate rather he plays with his options, making sure that every choice is the best such that anything that could happen will not in any way harm him and others around him. Every decision has been carefully weighed in such a way that all possibilities have been checked and balanced. External consequences would then be a matter of chance.

Thus for someone who sees everything as a battle, an unending struggle, the Immortal-Skirmisher exhausts everything he has to fulfill his dreams. However, despite the name, he is not eternal. The Immortal-Skirmisher also needs a rest. Occasional breaks are necessary to cure and heal wounds, treat injuries and recover from intense feats.

The Immortal-Skirmisher rests, but he does not quit. He knows nothing but victory. This might be the best attribute the Immortal-Skirmisher possesses — the ability to seek triumph at the pit of a fall. Starting a new climb to reach the heavens, he would learn from every unseemly turn. A fall is a fall, nothing more. It does not equate to defeat, nor does it define weakness. In the end, the Immortal-Skirmisher is nothing more than an optimistic warrior, carrying on his journey to ultimate success.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is the honorable fighter, seeking success but hopelessly avoiding adversaries. But this is reality, he meets allies, he meets foes. This has always been how it went and how it will always go. The Immortal-Skirmisher has been dealing with this reality for the longest time. It is impossible not to find a worthy opponent. There will always be a rival.

The Immortal-Skirmisher’s whole existence is a lifelong war. Every battle is a step towards the goal. Every win is a fleeting sensation that should never be dwelt in. Every fall is a lesson to be learned and forever kept for utmost growth and enhanced development.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is me…

Music Portfolio

My name is CK and this is my personal blog. Feel free to browse through my entries here. ;)

I'm a techie singing music and theater artist, frustrated dancer, and rising star. I'm a systems analyst/engineer at work tinkering with SAP ABAPs and Modules. At home I record song covers inside my room with a desktop microphone (cheap!) and a laptop, with the help of some editing tool. (Although now I'm seeking help from friends with recording, sound and video editing, and production) AWESOME!

Links to my Facebook, Twitter and YouTube Accounts are on the side bar to your right. Do like, follow, rate, comment, and subscribe!

This is my portfolio so far:

You First Believed - Hoku

XOXO,
CK