Perception is indeed reality.

Everywhere, there will always be judgement. We all will be forever judged. Just as we have our own judgements of other people, they too have their own judgements of us. It's a fair game. I guess it took me a while to realize that. Or perhaps I already knew it, and maybe I just didn't heed the warnings.

Anyway, point is what's done is done. There really isn't any easy to mend something that has already been broken.

And we all are broken. We are bits and pieces of the very whole that from which we have been created from. We heal, but very slowly.

The best way for us to remain intact is to muster our ability to stay alive. For me, since they usually just judge superficially, then might as well play superficially too. Key note, perception is reality. And I perceive that am complete.

XOXO,
CK

Of Dreams and Nightmares

Love doesn't have to be a gamble.

I just had the weirdest set of dreams tonight. Well, aside from the fact that I distinctly remember each of them, it was a life journey as well. LOL! So as early as dawn I'm jotting them all down so I would be able to document them.

1. Theatre Boot Camp
I was on a camp with friends from college. From what I remember, it was supposed to be a boot camp for the theatre org. The striking bit about it was the fact that the timeline of the events probably would have happened way back around 2 years ago when I was still with my first ex. The dream sequences had a little bit too much tension in them. So anyway, I was in the camp somewhere out of town (where my ex would probably be not around). Two of the other particapants seemed to have the hots for me or something, one was discreet about it while the other was aggressive (too agressive, in fact). The aggressive one would find ways of going near me, make awkward advances to a point of even stealing a kiss (how juvenile). Anyway, I ended up punching him and beating him to the ground. Fine, I did not beat him to the ground. Maybe just gave a few kicks and punches I picked up from watching too many UFC episodes (just kicks and punches, none of the grappling stuff). The other discreet one would just talk to me and just be very friendly. The amazing thing about the dream though was that I was very clear to both of them that I am in a relationship, maybe not a healthy one (given that it was still with my first), but the fact still remains that I am committed.

Cut scene to dream sequence 2.. well actually, this actually felt more like a nightmare than a dream though.

2. The First Ex
I think the setting was somewhere at home where I used to live together with my first ex, and it was just some time after the bootcamp had happened. The feel of the whole dream was grim, dark, and tensed.. very tensed! I wouldn't really want to remember the exact details but what I really remember was the feeling during the whole sequence. I felt very uncomfortable, I felt like a lot of secrets were kept, a lot of dishonestly, a lot holding back, a lot of uncertainty. I felt like I could not trust whatever my ex says. Then comes the first weird segment of this dream sequence, right next to our house, the police and scene of the crime operatives started to show up. How intense could a dream get, right? Anyway, I really did not bother checking what happened to our next door neighbors, the intensity of the current dream made really feel unconfortable. The police started asking me questions, and to which I replied with the truth, that I do not know anything. I felt I was wrongly interrogated, and no matter what I say, they would not believe me. It really wasn't a comforting place to be in.

Cut scene to dream sequence 3.. same horrible feeling..

3. The Next Ex-Deal
I decided to pack my bags and leave to find a better place to live in. I travelled with my cousin somewhere far. I also don't know why my cousin now came into the picture, but hey, dreams aren't always rational. So anyway, we got to an unknown place where we met a tricycle driver who said he can take us somewhere we could stay in. (How classy right? Tricycle driver? Really now! Why couldn't it have been a limo driver! Dafuq!) We took the ride. However, somewhere along the journey, I had the feeling that this isn't a safe bet. The driver was somehow linked to my ex (now this time I wouldn't really know if it was the first ex or the second). But what I was familiar of was the feeling or distrust.. The driver took me to a warehouse, where he said someone else would meet us and take us to the promised place. (Promised place?! Charot!) Someone did come along and showed us the way, led us to a door. It was very bright and I really couldn't see anything beyond. It was a scary feeling, I really didn't trust them enough. Before I could do anything, I woke up with my heartbeat racing. I said to myself, I would never again take the risk with someone I couldn't trust.

4. New Application
I really couldn't do anything about my nightmares anymore right. What's done is done, so I might as well move on with my sleep and hope for more better dreams to come. And true enough, a lighter, blessed dream came. It was rather short but full of hope. The air of the dream was very light, relaxed and easy. A new friend basically just came into the picture and gave me an iPhone, and said, install any application you want. I said, I want the future. He pointed me to the application I needed. I honestly did not know what I was installing but I could distinctly remember the feeling of excitement of having a new app, the feeling of joy of meeting a new friend, the feeling of hope of having a better future. With a smile on my face, I woke up. I now know what to do.


Yup, it's pretty clear to me now. There have different stage of my life and I've lived through three of them already. I know similarities and difference where I see fit. I learned a lot and probably even matured somehow. I know that in the past, I made deals with a losing hand. It was risky and unsafe. But I was willing to gamble because I had loved, or thought I did. But now I realize that love doesn't have to be a gamble. With what I have right now, the only uncertainty I do have is being unsure what kind of happy future I will get. I know, that I am installing a happy application, and I understand that we shall take the responsibilities of fixing whatever bug we will encounter because this application brings us happiness. I have a vision of my future, and it is a happy one. Later on in my life, my future might not be what I have envisioned now, but no matter what it will be, I can be sure that I will always be happy with it. We will always be happy with it, now and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

XOXO,
CK

There are three words I want to say But time will have to make a way For me to share these things to you When you feel the same way too

You Are Meant For Me

You Are Meant For Me

You are such and inspiration

You never fail to put a smile on my face

Every time I think of you

I get lost in your gaze

It’s been only days

But it feels like it’s been ages

Of course we’d like to take things seriously

And go through each of the stages

Of courtship and romance

Like a slow loving dance

Where we follow the flow

To where this will all go

My day’s always been sweet

Now that you’re a part of it

Now I get to enjoy

Each sunrise and sunset

Knowing someone like you

Is there for me

As I am for you

Wherever you may be

Only one more day left

Before I get to personally see

The beauty that is you

A you meant for me <3

That Day is Today

(Initial Draft)

One day I saw you walking down the road
I knew that you were in a hurry
I stopped you on your tracks and said, "Hello!"
You said, "Baby, how are yah?"

We knew that we could have this moment
But we said, "Not yet"
But baby, in my mind I said,

"One day, I'll be the one to tuck you in at night"
"One day, I'll be the one to kiss you goodnight"
One Day, One Day, One day, I hope and I pray

One day I caught you glancing right at me
It made my day a lot brighter
One day I tried to steal a kiss from you
You said, "Baby.. later.. :)"

We knew that we could have this moment
But we said, "Not yet"
But baby, in my mind I said,


"One day, I'll be the one to tuck you in at night"
"One day, I'll be the one to kiss you goodnight"
One Day, One Day, One day, I hope it's today

(Interlude)


Starting today, I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
Starting today, I'll be the one to kiss you goodnight
Starting today, I'll be the one to make your day so bright
Today... Baby today!

I'm not a risk taker. Never was. Never will be. Everything has been calculated. Risks and returns have cleverly been factored in all investments. I don't gamble. I only throw out whatever I am willing to lose.

True Colors

I just realized that you are my best wing man. You bring out the truest colors in people. With you in our blood, you make us see who we really are, say what we really think, and express what we really feel. Sometimes I even feel that we get closer when you are around. These are the times when we can talk about what we really feel. These are the moments when we really bare ourselves and rip the masks that conceal our true colors.

XOXO,

CK

I'm a mess.

But a colorful one.

Multiple Choice

It's page 2 of 366 for 2012, and I'm blogging about this? Haha, how appropriate. :)

But anyway, it's been a couple of months already since I last touched this site. A lot has happened since my last post. A lot of good things has happened. However, allow me to be a little bit emo this early in the year. I'm entitled to anyway. I'll just keep it short and simple. This intro would even be longer than the main content.

I just wanted to air out this concern, as I don't really know how to say it directly. At least I got this documented the one way I know how and as cryptic as I could. How silly of me to have this here and yet I try my best to make it hard for anyone else to relate to. But this is just how I roll. I am, as described, an almost finished project anyway. Only in God's time will I ever be complete. Alright, here we go!

Simply put, there are so many options out there. I'm glad you chose me. I'm not sure why, but right now I'm a little bit jealous of the other choices you've also made. I hope you choose me tomorrow. I'd be happy if you'd have chosen me tonight though. ;)

XOXO,
CK