Solitude

Dug up from my past archives.
Written September 2006.
Just thought it's kinda appropriate, especially right now.

It has almost been three hours already. I am still right here, sitting in front of my computer, waiting. I never thought I could have this feeling; feeling eager to greet midnight with my widest smile. Its three hours past midnight and my smile has been turned into a frown. I hope that I could control myself from letting my watery eyes drop even just a single tear. I don’t know, but any time soon, these tears will just have to flow. Like a river that keeps on moving, endlessly they keep on streaming.

Should I prevent myself from pouring down all these tears? How can I? If I would, I should have done that a million times before. I just couldn’t do it. How can I prevent myself from feeling sad? Should I even dare?

Solitude is such a bitter end. I would want to laugh but I could not even afford to smile. When I am alone, thoughts keep on coming and going. I could not comprehend the immensity of such ideas. Thought after thought, ideas after ideas. They just won’t stop.

All of these simply contribute to the stressful feeling I am already in. This heavy burden thrust upon my chest just keep on getting heavier and heavier. If only weight is the only thing added to it. Every single moment of despair this burden grows spikes and each spike point directly to my heart. Every moment I spend being alone, is a moment of suffering and fierce punishment.

I have been a sinner. Perhaps this is the reason why this tribulation is forced upon me. Perhaps I deserve this scornful ordeal. Every second that ticks, a whip is brutally thrashed upon me. Every minute that passes, a ton of gigantic stones are violently thrown at me. Every hour that slips swiftly away, a sharp sword is severely pierced through my heart, my heart that cries in tears, wailing and moaning in anguish.

Lead me, take me, save me from this tormenting disaster that has come unexpectedly. Only you can bring me to safety. In your loving embrace I find security. In your soft caresses I find care. In your warm touch I find protection. In your soothing voice I find peace. In your tender kiss I find love.

In you alone, I find these things and only then do I feel safe, far from the evil clutches of danger, lurking maliciously; waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and attack me once more. Hide me from him that clouds me with this sorrowful atmosphere. Coat me with your everlasting fortification. You alone are my strength.

In darkness, I seek you who hold the key to light. It is through these gloomy hours that I need your shining glory. Hold me in your arms. Secure me with your tenderness. I carried all weight, endured all pain, and surrendered myself to you...

But now I cry to you, “I can't take your infidelity anymore.”

XOXO,
CK